Loving the unloveable

I got two warnings from teachers this morning before school ever started about some kids that might have trouble today.  It didn't bode well for my day, but thankfully, everything went well.  It got me thinking about all the children in the world who don't have any kind of foundation.  It's heartbreaking.  How on earth do these children ever succeed when they are bounced from home to home--doctor to doctor--school to school?  The miracle is that some children do manage to make it through and have happy lives.  But oh so many just wander through life, trying to figure out the lessons that they never learned at home.  In a way, I find it somewhat easier to be patient with children like this.  Not sure why, they can be some of the most frustrating, exasperating individuals.  Maybe I'm just trying to find a way to get along with them so we can avoid confrontation.  Who knows, but these kids need people in their lives to smile at them, encourage them and to hold them accountable for their actions--both positive and negative.

I've also been thinking about teenagers.  I was in a large room of teenagers yesterday and was observing how incredibly different they all are.  Some of them were respectful, some not so much.  Some of them were open and friendly, some looked like they wanted to crawl under a rock at any moment.  Some of them just needed someone to say, "Hey, what you are doing there--it's kind of stupid." I am not so comfortable telling teenagers NOT to do something.  At least when they aren't my kid, I am perfectly happy to tell MY teenager exactly what to do. I'm in a position at the moment where I get to spend a lot of time with teenagers.  Some of them, are like the children I work with, they've been bounced around a bit and their foundations are shaky. Others have very loving homes, but for whatever reason they desire to be the opposite of that. For instance, my sister in law was a vegetarian hippy when I first met her at the age of 18.  She just wanted to show everyone that she was her own unique person that should not be compared to anyone else. 

As I thought about these young people, and I thought about what I needed when I was a teenager, I had a realization.  I should be grateful I have the opportunity to get to know so many different, cool kids.  Even the ones that don't act very loveable.  Somewhere inside me I need to find the courage to say what needs to be said, plainly and honestly, but always, always with love.  Hopefully, I can keep my kids going on a good path and send them further and further into their own independence with a good foundation.  And for those that are not my own, I hope I can help them feel good enough about themselves to want to choose to be good.

Financial Friday- Hand me Downs

The red-head is my niece, who is wearing a sweater I bought for one of my girls.

The thought for today is quick and easy.  Hand-me-down clothes save you money.  I am lucky that I have three girls.  I also have 5 nieces.  Two of my kids were born in summer, one in spring, so I've been able to reuse a lot of what I started collecting when Oldest was a baby.  My 5 month old niece is wearing overalls I received as a gift for my first baby.  So whoever bought me that $12 pair of overalls totally got their money worth.  That pair of overalls has been through my three kids and one other baby.

Everyone appreciates being thought of when you offer your hand-me-downs, but no one likes to just receive a bag of someone else's junk.  So here are a couple tips when giving hand-me-downs, (especially to your very particular almost 11 year old).

• Make sure everything is clean.  Don't ever pass along something stained, it's just bad form, people.
• Check things over for holes/tears/worn out places. If something can be repaired quickly, like a seam that has pulled apart, take the time to fix that before you give it on to the next person.  If something is badly torn, i.e. the fabric itself is ripped, not the seam, it's probably not fit to be passed down.
• If jeans are ripped at the knee, turn them into shorts.  I don't allow my girls to wear short shorts.  All their shorts have to be at the knee or within a couple of inches of the knee, so we turn old jeans into shorts all the time.  I hear you can do crafty things with the leftover pantlegs, but I've never been that ambitious.  Turning jeans into shorts (or even a skirt if possible) really gets your money out of them. I tend to spend between $10-$15 on jeans for the girls, less if I'm lucky at Target.  I really feel like I get my money's worth considering how frequently my kids wear jeans.
• Make sure if you are passing down shoes to really check them over.  Scuffed, stretched out, stinky shoes are not worth passing along.  Dance shoes, however, probably can be passed along.  I finally have a local, cheaper option for the tan tap shoes our dance teacher likes, but for years, I had to buy them online and they were expensive.  So we have stretched every year out of those shoes we could.  This was one time where I felt buying a little higher quality shoe was actually worth it.  We also tend to spend a little more on tennis shoes as the kids get older because they do much more running in gym class, but they tend to get worn out before they get passed down.

I was very diligent about caring for the girls' baby and toddler clothes.  I washed their clothes in Dreft, and used a stain stick or spray on stain remover to catch stains as early as I could.  This made it possible to have really nice looking clothes to pass down to the next girl.

I think the moral of the story with hand-me-downs is don't just pawn your trash off to someone else.  Ask yourself if you would be happy to receive the item or not.  If you look at it and think "Ugh," don't pass it along to someone else.

I've been thankful for the hand-me-downs we've received and it's been nice to give away things to my nieces and friends.  It really is a great way to save some money on something your kids need, but grow out of and have to change seasons with so quickly.  But be considerate when giving, make sure you give away the best you have to offer and don't be afraid to just get rid of worn out things.

And another thing...

In reality, there are very few things that really bother me.  I can usually shake off most disturbances in a day or two. Sometimes I actually speak up, but I've about lost hope with that process.  I'm talking about school...

It really bothers me when someone says, "You should write a letter/email about that and complain" because of the following reasons: 1. It doesn't do any good.   2. It makes the recipient think I am one of "those" parents.

I am not one of "those" parents.  If there is a problem and I can be part of the solution, I am willing to do that.

I have asked for things, even REQUESTED them, and they haven't yielded the desired results, so I am thinking that I either ask the wrong people or maybe I am asking the wrong questions or the people who are supposed to be helping me can't/won't.  So why bother?

I have complained/explained before and received the most round about explanations that don't answer my questions.

My kids are not one of "those" kinds of kids.  They work hard, they actually love to learn, and they are ok with being challenged.  Our family is not wanting to just get by, I want my kids to excel.  Once again, I am happy to be part of that process. 

I am tired of families not being factored into the equation for success of students.  Not all families are dysfunctional.  Most families are actually doing ok and are happy to support their children in getting a superior education.  I accept the responsibility I have to help my students be successful--I know other parents do the same.

Just once, I would like my district to cater to the students who love to learn and want to be there. 

I would love my district to acknowledge the importance of art and music programs.  You know they enhance the science, math, technology and engineering, right?

My kids don't drain the school system.  My kids are the kind of kids a school wants.  So when things like the school play and the girls' choir have to end because of things out of her control, I get frustrated.  Especially when other activities have found a way to carry on.

I sometimes wonder if complaining does more harm than good.  What good is it to say something critical or ask for solution if NOTHING gets done?  Then you just have critical words and problems hanging in the air around you?

I guess I feel frustrated because I don't feel like I have a voice.  Or when I do dare to lift my voice a bit, people just stare at me and politely nod.  I think I am kind of losing hope in being able to make a difference, particularly in my school district. 

But then again, rolling over doesn't seem like a good idea either.

Quick thought for the day

I ended up getting a couple of extra teaching jobs this week, which is keeping me really busy, but I had a thought the other day that I wanted to just toss out there.

Some people have faith in God, that His will will be done, and it will be ok.

It seems to me that other people have faith that someday God will change His mind and do things their way.

There are times I think I fall in between the two ideas.  I have complete faith in God in one area of my life, but in another area, I am sure hoping He lets things happen the way I would like them to go. I'd like to be the kind of person who can turn all things over to the Lord and have peace it will be ok.  I think that is something many of us struggle with: 1. accepting that because of the Atonement we don't have to do everything on our own. 2. letting go of what we can't control.

I think this week I may try to focus my thoughts on just letting go of fear and doubt and just trying to tune myself into the will of the Lord for me.  What service does He need me to give?  What does He need me to say to someone?  What does He want me to know about myself?

Some deep thoughts there for a Tuesday....sorry if I've overloaded some of you.  Maybe it's a side effect of the cookie diet I've been on for the last three days. :)

Feeling the divine within

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies?  The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods?  Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses?  When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time.  The women of God know this.”
                                                                                                                                                                     Neal A. Maxwell

The girls summer 2009- photo by Leilani Bascom

  
Today I am teaching a lesson to teenage girls about our attitudes about our divine roles.  It's been nice to stop and think about how I feel about being a wife and mother, about being a sister and daughter and about being a teacher and friend. 

One of the great blessings in my life recently has been gaining an understanding of just how important the work I have been doing at home really is.  When my kids were 6, 3 and newborn, that was the hardest time.  I felt split in many directions all the time.  My church job was quite involved at the time as well, and the Bishop was very involved (which he has been for the last 12 years).  I was exhausted.  I was drained, and I really just couldn't figure out how doing what I was doing every day was really making a difference.  Maybe I could run away and the kids would be fine?  Maybe I could put them in day care and take on a full time job and I would feel more productive and useful?  Those were all thoughts that ran through my mind in those days. Intellectually, I knew what I was doing was good for me kids, but emotionally, and often spiritually, I didn't feel it.

Through all that, there were moments when I caught a glimpse of the importance of what I was doing.  Something would happen at school, or someone would say something complimentary to me about our family.  When people would come to our home for the first time and say, "There is such a great spirit here," it would really touch me.  I began to see that the work of creating a home was worth all the exhaustion and exasperation that goes with it.

This last year, my work as a homemaker (not to be read as baker and cleaner, but someone who is in the business of creating a home) has suddenly come to light.  It hits me when I walk in after being at work all day and I just feel a sense of peace being home--even when it's a mess.  It becomes clear when my 13 year old, who has had a hard school year, gets up and sings the national anthem solo.  I get it when my sister says that coming to see me is like going on vacation and my mom says that coming to see me is like coming home.  When I watch the girls in the backyard with friends and they are just happy and free and playing, I get this quiet appreciation for the perfect beauty of my life.

And I know it's all due to the choices I have made.  The choices I made as a teenager to learn how to work, to bake cookies, to care for young children and to iron shirts when I didn't want to all taught me about the work involved in having a home.  Classes I took in college taught me about how children develop and how to be patient with them through all those stages.  In college I learned that there are people who want to be around who make you feel good about yourself, and people who don't. I chose to marry a fantastic guy, who accepted me for my imperfections and was just as dedicated to having a family that served God as I was.  I chose to become a mother, something I had wanted all my life, and I embraced the chaos and learned to deal with it year by year until I found peace.  I began to realize that there must be something special in me, because I was co-creater of three amazing, beautiful children.  Our choices matter.  As my friend likes to say, "Decisions determine destiny".

I'm thankful to be a woman.  I am thankful for the privilege of serving others and in return feeling my bond with my Savior and my Father in Heaven grow.  What we do as women, no matter what our situation or our individual roles, we matter.  We make a difference in the spheres in which we travel.  We influence the world more than we may realize.